Aug 29th 2021 11:44pm

hello! this is my first ever entry! it is currently 11:44pm and I have about 30 minutes until my step dad gets home and then i have to pretend that i'm asleep :/. At the moment, i am lying in my bed listening to summer's music on spotify and i have spongebob on in the background. I decided to make a neocities website mainly because i was inspired by summer's amazing little cove and just wanted something like that for myself (mine will never be as cool as theirs) and at the time of me typing this entry my website is not very epic at all- i hope one day it can be semi-epic and look cool in some way. but i am pleased with just having my own little space just for myself and for whoever i share this with- i don't want to think about people "finding" this necessarily becasue that makes me panic. hoping this space will just be for cool people ^__^ i knew the first thing i wanted to make was a journal so here we are, i really plan on just writting in here whenever i feel like it as i never write when i feel like it on paper because reasons. writing here feels much safer to me though and i feel really happy and calm doing this now and i really feel like this will be a safe space for me.

i really plan on sharing this website with Jamie (if i shared it with you and you are reading it now, hello! i love and appreciate you so much) but i do paln on sharing it with other friends that i really like but who knows if they'll ever actually read this lol. I wanna write more but it's getting closer and closer to me having to go for the night. i will continue to write in here tommorow! that is a promise! so yes, i am going to say goodnight for now.

Aug 30th 2021 11:19pm

hellooooo! i have returned, as i prmoised i would! it is currently 11:19pm- i have spent all. day. long. working on this website and i'm so happy with the current look of it! like so beyond pleased with everything i've managed to accomplish with this website today! i looked through a bunch of templates and a bunch of other people's websites for inspiration and just slowly started to figure things out and ahhh i really think this looks so good currently! :D like who would've thought me of all people could figure something like this out. absolutly wild. if you read all of this give yourself a gold star because you are cool and i love you. goodbye for now ^_^

Oct 2nd 2021 10:55pm

hey hey hey. it's been over a month since my last entry?? how did i let that happen? i though i would update on here so often but alas school started (senior year?!?!@ boy what the hell) and i guess i've just been busy trying to have as much fun as possible. i got a boyfriend within a month?? what??? like?? how did that happen guys. he's a good boy. he makes me happy. thats all i'll say about him for now ♡ rn i'm watching dan play outlast-old spooky week dapg viddy because it is spooky season guys!!!! woooo!!! honestly dnp themed spooky videos bring me so much comfort and happiness during this time of year. i miss theeeemmmm. phil project soon mayhaps>?? the leaves are getting crunchy phil, so hand over the video. n ee ways what else? uh I've started 4 admissions applications for 4 different colleges. whattt????? crazy. it makes me feel so accomplished to do things like this whether it be writting essays for scholorships, finding scholorships in general, learning more and more about college, and just preparing for it. I've applied to 4 different schools up North from me about 3 to 5 hours away which has me exictedddd. I'm very excited for the next part of my life after high school and am just looking forward to my future :D also nervous but things should work out eventually even if it's hard along the way, I'm confident that I can get through what I need to get through. ok ok i think thats really it for now, it feels so nice to just get thoughts out here from time to time even if nobody reads it, its still nice to just have my own little space. okey, goodnight from me now little website- i trust you will be here whenever i want to come back and write again :^)

Nov 25 2021 9:17pm

omg helloooo!!1! guys wtf it's been so long since i've updated my neocities website- there's been so much that has happened. not all good stuff, but stuff nonetheless guys. uh lets think.. i don't know what i wanna say here exactly because there is a lot i could say ya know but it's like do i wanna say all that and talk about it now and have to look back on it and be sad abt it or should i just leave as is? idk. umm lets think- what has happened other than the main thing? umm it's Novemeber now, basically Decemeber- really crazy if you think about it. school is still going good for me rn which is really good and i am proud of myself for it ya know. still trying to figure out college stuff to the best of my ability and all that jazz. so fun. oo i got my food handlers card like last week or the week before i don't remember exactly but i got it nonetheless which is nice. I'm trying so hard to find a job in my shitty small town cuz ya know I don't ahaha drive or anything and i can't have transportation anywhere ahah pain. so yea i've been trying to figure out how to get a job so i can make MONEY cuz i am in desperate need of it lol. i was really hoping to work in this little resturant/casino place in town but you have to be 18 to work there AHAHa PAIN. I really wanted to be a hostess/server so i can make tips and i could so see myself being a hostess. but yea it can't happen. sad. so i have to find another place to look into around town. fingers crossed i can find something. pray for me.

i don't think i wanna talk about the main thing that has happened and has been consuming most of my thoughts and time- at least not right now. i'll probably talk about it sometime on here but idk right now just doesn't feel like the best time to talk about it. idk i had motivation to write here but it;s kinda faded now. idk. i will try and pick this back up later.

Dec 3 2021 4:19pm

i was told things can literally never go back to how they were. Ever. “i mean probably not” “i have to go” “i’ll catch you later” “nothing”. “I really have to go now” “im not lying” “ i dont’t know” “it’s just something i have to do by myself” “it just won’t” “i just am not feeling anything” “i lost all feeling” this is valid. this is hard. Hard hard hard. i can see he's not good, i can see that. Won’t even look at me. Sad eyes when. I know that face. I know that look. Its tough. But wants nothing to do with me. Wants to throw me away completely and forget about me. Out of sight out of mind. Im hurting too. I know and see you’re hurting but i want to be there to help. But i literally just can’t. Doesn’t want it. Lost literally all feeling. I have to understand that. I can’t be mad about it. It’s not fair. And im not mad about it. Im just so sad. So sad. It’s literally not fair to be mad about it. Understand that. You literally can’t do anything. “yea” get over it. now. get over it. he can’t be with you. He literally can’t. this is for both of your own good and you have to understand this. It’s for the best in the long run. You know this. You’ve known this. Accept it. Be smart. Not stupid. It’s been right of him to do it. He’s right. You don’t have to like it but just accept it. Because it’s not changing. You can’t do anything to change it. Accept it.